Chasing that high

I need to come to terms with this. I like control. I like to have a plan. I like to know where I am going what I am doing. Maybe most people do. I don’t know. What I do know is my penchant for control causes me unnecessary stress.

For example, when preparing for trips, I spend so much time looking through travel books, scouting out transportation options, and planning itineraries that I am tired of the trip before I even start to pack. I keep chasing a healthy diet ideal only to feel like a failure when I slip up. I would like my SO to help in the kitchen more but I still do most of the cooking because I can’t stand how inefficient and messy he works.

(I could list some more serious consequences but today is the bright and sunny so I’ll keep things light.)

When I commit to relinquishing control, only temporarily of course, I can let go and nothing bad happens. When I visit family, I can’t control my diet or exercise schedule like I do at home. While this stresses me prior to the trip, during the visit I just try to make the best choices at the time and enjoy the indulgences when they come. Some of these visits can be for a month or more. And as I find out each time, my health doesn’t deteriorate.

On a recent vacation with a friend, I committed to planning as little as possible. Aside from lodging, I avoided researching the trip. I limited myself to identify one or two interesting activities. I ignored visitor guides and recommendation list for dinning.  I didn’t research money saving options. And I only looked at the weather when it was time to pack. The trip went fine.

Clearly letting go isn’t the end of the world, so why do I keep chasing control? Because for the brief moment that I can maintain it, it feels really good. It is like a high of sorts. I’ve got my daily rhythm and I feel good both mentally and physically. I’ve got my to-do list, and I am checking things off. I feel like everything is flowing just right.

And I don’t think that feeling is purely placebo. I can quantitatively see that structure is useful. Sticking to a schedule keeps me better rested and helps me be more productive. Maintaining my exercise routine keeps me motivated and focused when doing desk work.  There are benefits.

So how do I get the benefits of control without the negatives? How do I let go of the fear that if I don’t exert control, everything will devolve into chaos. Nothing will get done, goals won’t be met, and life will just pass me by?

I suspect balance is the answer. Balance is such as buzz word I am loathed to talk about it. And what does it mean anyway? What does balance look like? Feel like? Does it differ from person to person and if so, how can I find my definition of balance?

So far this year, I have been focusing on setting goals and having plans. I don’t want to give that because I am finally making time for things I have neglected. Perhaps the trick is practicing self-awareness. Learning to recognize the warning signs that my urge for control is getting too strong. Establishing release valves to gently self-correct rather than adopting a ‘to hell with it’ attitude when my self imposed pressure to maintain control exhausts me. Maybe practicing mental balance is like developing physical balance. At first it is hard to stand on one foot for long. You teeter, you fall. But with continued practice, the body gets better at detecting and making subtle adjustment to keep you upright. I guess the only thing to do is to try.

 

By the way, I came across this post which describes better than I can that impulse and futility of ruminating.